By Jamie C. Williamson, PhD, Amity Mediation Workshop
People often ask me “What is the main reason people get divorced?”
The short answer is simple – unhealthy communication patterns. The longer answer examines how these negative patterns begin and then evolve to become so toxic that they can (and often do) destroy a relationship.
John Gottman refers to these negative interactions as the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. The worst of these is contempt.
(1) Criticism is best understood when compared to a complaint. Complaints address specific behaviors, while criticism attacks a person’s character or personality.
Complaint: “I’m glad you’re home. But the last hour has been hard on me. I get scared when you’re running late and don’t let me know. Can we agree that we won’t do that to each other?”
Criticism: “Well, you’re finally home…an hour late. You can’t even show me the courtesy you would show one of your customers if you were running late. You’re selfish, self-centered, and never think of me.”
Don’t worry if this example seems familiar to you. A smattering of critical exchanges is common in marital relationships. But criticism does leave your partner feeling rejected and hurt, which easily leads to reciprocal negative responses and the possibility of increased frequency of criticism between you. And, if criticism becomes pervasive, it leads to other more toxic negative interactions.
(2) Contempt is criticism on steroids. Contemptuous comments convey disgust and are truly mean. People who communicate with contempt treat their partner with disrespect and mock their partner with sarcasm, hostile joking, name-calling, or mimicking.
Contempt grows out of long-simmering negative thoughts about your partner, which often result from unresolved conflict. What starts out as a simple complaint, sometimes repeatedly recurs, and evolves into criticism. If the issue continues to surface and remains unresolved, negative feelings can fester and grow into generalized contempt – which shows up as an aggressive attack from a sense of superiority intended to demean the accused person.
Contempt: “Welcome home Hot Shot! You’re so important. You work late, hit happy hour after, and leave me wondering if you’re dead or alive. What kind of example are you setting for our boys? You want them to think that this is how a “real man” treats his wife and family? I could use a “real man” around here.”
Contempt is the single greatest predictor of divorce. According to Gottman, it must be eliminated if a couple wants to avoid divorce.
(3) Defensiveness is a common response during conflict, particularly when people feel unjustly accused or when they want to provide an explanation or excuse for their behavior.
Defensiveness: “You know I’m crazy busy. I didn’t text because you’re always on me not to text and drive. And I didn’t call because I’d just get voice mail – you’re always “too busy” to answer my calls.”
This defensive response shifts the blame to the wife and will likely escalate the conflict. On the other hand, a non-defensive response shows respect for the wife’s concerns and will likely quell the conflict.
Non-defensive Response: “Sweetheart, I’m so sorry. You are right. I should have texted as soon as I realized I was going to be late. I love that you worry about me, but you shouldn’t have to. I know this isn’t the first time and I promise I’ll do better.”
(4) Stonewalling involves a lack of responsiveness designed to avoid repeated conflict and negative interactions. Rather than confront an issue or respond to their partner’s concerns, people who stonewall withdraw from interactions by tuning out, turning away, acting busy, or otherwise disengaging in the conflict.
Stonewalling allows a person to escape feeling flooded by the negativity that emerges from criticism, contempt, and defensiveness. Stonewalling often becomes a self-protective habit that leads to emotional disengagement from the relationship.
Ironically, the more one spouse shuts down to protect themselves against turbulent criticism and contempt, the more hostile and critical the other spouse becomes.
Some couples who reach this stage stay together but live lonely, parallel lives characterized by emotional indifference, peppered with occasional bouts of toxic negativity. Others experience a fiery meltdown and then divorce. Hard to say which is more painful.
Recognizing criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling is the first step toward eliminating them. But, to remove these negative communication patterns from your marriage you must learn and adopt new, productive communication patterns to use instead.
And, let me know if I can help.
Jamie C. Williamson, Ph.D. is a FL Supreme Court Certified Family Mediator and Couples Counselor. She is an owner and partner at Amity Mediation Workshop, a mediation practice specializing in “friendly divorce” mediation and psycho-educational counseling for couples and co-parents. Dr. Jamie speaks frequently on relationship topics and authors the blog “Work it Out.” You can find her online at amitymediationworkshop.com.
