By Stephenie Craig
When did you last feel genuinely happy? Was it an ideal vacation, a family event where everyone behaved, the day your team won the big rivalry, a day at the beach when conditions were just right? The bar for happiness can feel high and difficult to obtain as you move through a world where so much is out of your control. Flights are delayed, family members aren’t behaving, injuries happen, and the weather does what it wants. You hear the consistent cultural message, “Pursue happiness,” but what does that even mean and how do you arrive at happiness when it feels so elusive?
It’s common to hear happiness discussed as a destination. When you can get into this house, this job, this car, this college, this group…then you will be happy. Happiness is often discussed as an absence of stress, sadness, pain or grief. When you can get past this work season, this move, this parenting season, this test, this break up, this illness…then you will be happy. People talk about happiness as though it’s dependent on someone or something external. I’ll be happy when I get the recognition I deserve, when my kids start listening, when my partner does the work to understand me, when others agree with me. With all of these happiness narratives swirling, you can feel discouraged and hopeless that happiness will ever be more than brief moments of relief from stress that exists beyond your control.
What if you could shift the happiness narrative? What if happiness is not something to chase or pursue? What if happiness is something to practice? What if happiness can have internal origin instead of you waiting for all of the circumstances to line up perfectly? What if happiness does not only exist externally where comparison to others creates jealousy, scarcity and insecurity? What would that be like?
While different definitions of happiness exist, many suggesting circumstantial satisfaction, I prefer defining happiness as the practice of finding gratitude, joy and contentment while placing focus in the present moment. So, what does the practice of happiness look like practically?
5 Ways to Begin Practicing Happiness
1-Acknowledge your current reality honestly. Not everything feels good, light and happy. Acknowledge what feels good right now. Acknowledge what feels hard right now. Acknowledge feeling hurt, excited, jealous, sad, inspired, fearful, etc. Give space to all of your feelings and remind yourself feelings are normal and they guide your attention to important insight even when they are hard.
2-Step outside black and white thinking. Everything is not either wonderful or terrible. You are capable of holding the tension of some things in your life feeling hard while some things are going well. You don’t have to pretend the hard things aren’t hard. You also don’t have to exclusively focus on the negative. You can give meaningful attention to what is good even in the face of the hard.
3-Reserve space for daily gratitude. Try setting reminders in your phone throughout the day to focus on 3-5 things you appreciate. Anything counts including spiritual things, relationships, material things, weather, feelings, books, shows, positive test results, a laugh, etc. Try inverting your frustrations with gratitude. Stuck in traffic can become gratitude for a car, gas, a/c, music, a moment to breathe.
4-Focus on the present moment. You don’t have to be anywhere other than where you are right now. Try doing one thing at a time and noticing what you see, hear, feel, taste, observe happening around you right now. Remember you are in this moment for a reason. Use it with intention. The next moment will wait and you can be in that moment when it arrives. Download a mindfulness app and try beginning a practice.
5-Define happiness internally. Notice where you are making happiness contingent on others and circumstances. Remind yourself gently that your happiness does not have to wait for everyone and everything to go your way. Remind yourself of what is good, what has been given to you already, and what can be enjoyed now even when life is complicated and messy.
Be kind to yourself and others as you practice shifting happiness from an external pursuit to an internal practice. Your internal work around happiness has the potential to change your daily mood and approach to life in meaningful ways. As you walk along your journey, connect with us for coaching and counseling at Journeybravely.com.
