“Soft Start Ups” Fix this (and other ) Common Problems
By Jamie C. Williamson, PhD
Too many women tell me that their husband is a great dad, but no longer a great husband.
Recently, one mom lamented that her husband does his share of the housework and spends quality time with their children, but pays very little attention to her. When he gets home, he always greets the kids before he greets her. He’s affectionate with the kids but shows little affection to her (except in bed).
He compliments his daughter’s appearance, but rarely hers. He coaches their games and plans fun family activities, but never an evening out with her. She has a great co-parenting relationship and a disappointing, empty marriage.
Fortunately, when Dad has the best of intentions but is missing the mark–the “fix” isn’t that difficult. In most cases, a devoted Dad is more unaware than insensitive. He would never intentionally demoralize his wife and certainly doesn’t want to be divorced.
So, I suggested that the wife use a Soft Start Up to initiate a Collaborative Conversation about this common, solvable problem. You can use this approach for all solvable problems.
Soft Start Ups Turn Conflict into a Collaborative Conversation
Collaborative conversation can only unfold when people have a positive disposition toward each other and are willing to participate openly and respectfully (rather than defensively). This is most likely to happen if the initiator choses the “right time” for the conversation – meaning you are both calm and able to focus – and you begin the conversation with a Soft Start-up.
A Soft Start Up allows you to address the issue directly in a way that avoids putting your spouse on the defensive. John Gottman explains that the Soft Start Up begins with a complaint, but not criticism or contemptuous accusations.
Here’s the difference:
Complaint – focuses on a specific behavior and addresses the specific infraction your spouse made.
Example: You are such a great Dad. You do more than your share of work around the house, and you spend time with the kids on their homework and just playing with them. They adore you. And so do I. I would really like us to find a way to have more quality time together. I know it may sound a bit selfish, but I need to feel like your wife, not just their mother.
Criticism – is the complaint plus a negative comment about your spouse’s personality or overall character
Example: You are such a great Dad. You spend plenty of time with the kids. But you just don’t get it. You never think to pay that kind of attention to me. Don’t you care about my feelings?
Contemptuous Accusation – fueled by long-simmering negative thoughts about your spouse and conveys disrespect and/or disgust through sarcasm, cynicism, name-calling, eye-rolling, hostile humor, etc.
Example: You are such a GREAT dad. Too bad you are such a lousy husband. People say I’m lucky to be married to a man that spends so much time with the kids. But they don’t know that you are not really a man to me. If you don’t start paying attention to me, I’ll find someone who will.
To ensure you start your Collaborative Conversation with a Soft Start Up, follow these guidelines:
- Complain, don’t criticize or blame.
- Make statements that start with I instead of You.
- Describe what is happening, but don’t evaluate or judge.
- Be Clear, polite, and appreciative.
- Don’t store things up.
Collaborative Conversations require that you both are open to considering each other’s opinions, ideas, motivations and preferences. For collaborative conversations to work, you must be willing to back away from strident views and to listen to, and be influenced by, each other. This does not mean that you should agree with each other but rather accept the other’s point of view as valid and understandable, under the circumstances.
This is the point where you seek more to understand than to be understood and move out of conflict into a productive conversation about how to resolve your issue. Which, in this case, is how to inject a bit of romantic love back into your marriage.
Collaborative Conversations require the willingness to bring up a touchy subject. But, when the possible outcome can make your marriage work again, the payoff is worth the effort to overcome your nervousness, learn the Soft-Start Up, and “work it out”.
Let me know if I can help.
Jamie C. Williamson, PhD is a FL Supreme Court Certified Family Mediator and member of the Gottman Referral Network. She is an owner and partner at Amity Mediation Workshop, a mediation practice specializing in “friendly divorce” mediation and psycho-educational counseling for couples. Dr. Jamie speaks frequently on relationship topics and authors the blog “Work it Out”. You can find her online at amitymediationworkshop.com.
