By Jamie C. Williamson, PhD
Brian and Jen should be happy together, but they aren’t.
Brian and Jen both worked, raised two active boys, and still built a friendship in which they felt truly known by each other. This type of strong friendship is linked to a long-lasting relationship and helps sustain passion and romance over time.
Yet, when I asked them to create a list of 10 things they liked about each other, they couldn’t do it. They couldn’t even start.
So, I did a deep dive and found they are plagued with Negative Sentiment Override (NSO). They feel negative about each other and expect criticism or put-downs, no matter what the other says or does.
This NSO conceals their true positive feelings about one another. They hear or see negativity in whatever the other says or does, even when the other says something neutral or positive. NSO clouds their judgment and makes them more likely to detect negativity that isn’t intended. And, more likely to react negatively as well.
How Does Negative Sentiment Override Develop?
Brian and Jen didn’t develop Negative Sentiment Override overnight. They entered the empty nest phase, optimistic about their lives together and set high expectations for their marriage. They routinely displayed compassion for each other, which strengthened their friendship and created a happy home characterized by “positive sentiment override”.
In contrast to how they are now, Brian and Jen once saw the other’s negativity as evidence that the other was stressed or not themselves. They noticed negativity but didn’t overreact or take it personally. Their positive feelings were strong enough to override the negative things the other might do.
But then both of them gradually focused more on work, taking on responsibilities that interfered with their daily routines, couple time, and social life. They became frustrated and started to blame the other for little things, then for everything.
They struggle with how to express their hurts and disappointments and often begin a conflict by blaming, criticizing, or degrading the other’s character. These Harsh Start-Ups set off a spiral of negativity that they neglected to address. And now they are engulfed in Negative Sentiment Override.
To regain their happy marriage, Brian and Jen must reverse their Negative Sentiment Override by restoring their fondness and admiration for each other. Then, to prevent the recurrence of this negative state, they must learn to recognize and curtail the negative behaviors that lead to it.
Early, Subtle Signs of Negativity
Some early habits that can lead to NSO are subtle and go unnoticed until they lead to more intense negativity.
An eventual state of NSO often starts with both partners regularly turning away from the other when the other tries to connect. Then they gradually become less likely to compromise during a disagreement.
They start rejecting each other’s attempts to repair negativity. If they do accept each other’s repair attempts, it may only be to “keep the peace” or “make it stop.” So, they do not actually resolve the issues and end up having the same arguments repeatedly.
Left unchecked, these patterns often escalate.
More Intense Negative Spirals and NSO
Negative Sentiment Override produces disagreements that routinely begin with Harsh Start Ups, including criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. These are called the Four Horsemen, and they are all indicators of relationship distress.
Criticism is blaming a relationship problem on personality flaws in your partner.
Contempt combines criticism of your partner with descriptions of your own superiority and disgust with your partner.
Defensiveness is responding to your partner’s criticism or contempt by either denying any responsibility for the problem, acting like an innocent victim, or counterattacking them while ignoring their complaints.
Stonewalling involves shutting down completely and refusing to offer any verbal or non-verbal response to your partner’s statements.
These harsh conflict reactions often lead to “flooding” – a high level of arousal producing a fight or flight response that can manifest as individual “blow ups,” screaming matches, or a person fleeing the situation.
Bottom Line: Even happy couples occasionally have screaming arguments. But, if this happens too often, learn to recognize the subtle signs and negative spirals that lead to it. If allowed to become routine, these patterns initiate Negative Sentiment Override. For your relationship to stay healthy, these conflict patterns must change.
Let me know if I can help.
Jamie C. Williamson, PhD is a FL Supreme Court Certified Family Mediator and Member of the Gottman Referral Network, with a Certificate in the Science of Wellbeing and Happiness from the Harvard School of Medicine. She is an owner and partner at Amity Mediation Workshop, a mediation practice specializing in “friendly divorce” mediation and psycho-educational couples counseling. Dr. Jamie speaks frequently on relationship topics and authors the blog “Work it Out”. You can find her online at amitymediationworkshop.com.
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