By Jamie C. Williamson, PhD
You can be “right,” or you can stay happily married.
That doesn’t mean that if you want to stay happily married, you must be a doormat.
Instead, you must learn to accept that there is no objective reality in a relationship. There are two subjective realities – in your reality, you’re right and in your partner’s reality, they’re right.
To stay happily married, you need to find a solution that works for both of you. You can do that by following my Home Team Approach to conflict resolution.
Consider these common conflict examples:
Example #1: Who Started It?
Jason and Ashley are eating at the bar of their favorite local restaurant. Jason is flirting with a female acquaintance next to him and Ashley is talking to her sister on her phone. Once their food arrived, they turned toward each other. After their initial harsh “I can’t believe you…” comments they barely spoke until they got into the car and their “who started it” fight broke out.
Ashley argued that Jason started it. She would not have called her sister if he had not been flirting.
Jason argued that Ashley started it. He only flirted because she was on the phone.
They will never be able to agree on who is right in this circular conflict. And, to stay happily married, they shouldn’t even try.
Relationship communication is a series of continuous transactions. There is no clearly identifiable beginning or ending to any communication episode. When people think back over a stream of communication, they “punctuate” it by breaking it into smaller pieces and labeling some of the pieces causes and the other effects.
Punctuation allows people to identify the beginning and end of a communication event as a convenient way to understand and/or explain what happened first, second, and so on.
And people punctuate interaction in self-serving ways that reflect better on themselves and are consistent with their self-image.
The Home Team Approach to Conflict Resolution
Jason and Ashley could settle this issue by following the Four Steps in the Home Team Approach:
• Internally accept that they both experienced the event differently.
• Validate the other’s reality.
• Acknowledge their own role in what went wrong and apologize.
• Commit to not letting something similar happen again.
Ashley: You must have felt so left out. I was having such a good conversation with my sister that I didn’t realize how rude I was being to you. I’m so sorry.
Jason: You must have felt like I was trying to make you jealous. I just hadn’t seen her in a while and wanted to catch up. I didn’t think about how it might look to you. I’m sorry, too.
Ashley: Well, what a waste of a date night for us. We know better.
Jason: Let’s never let it happen again.
Example #2: No, you didn’t. Yes, I did.
Gabe and Maria drove separate cars to their cabin in North Georgia. Maria asked Gabe to stay close to her because she was nervous about driving through Atlanta at night. Gabe promised he would. Gabe led and kept Maria’s car in his rearview. But when he moved across lanes a car often got in between them. Maria felt panicky because she had difficulty identifying Gabe’s car in the dark.
When they arrived, Maria initiated a fight, accusing Gabe of breaking his promise and causing her to feel unsafe. Gabe said she was being dramatic. He did not break his promise. He stayed close and could see her car the whole time. They replayed this “no, you didn’t, yes I did” argument the entire weekend.
The Home Team Approach Alternative
Gabe: You must have been nervous. I didn’t realize that you couldn’t identify my car among the others at night. I’m so sorry. I always want you to know that I’m looking out for you.
Maria: No wonder you think I’m overreaching. I didn’t realize you had your eye on me the whole time. Instead of fuming, I should have just called to say I couldn’t find you in the traffic.
Gabe: I should have done more to ensure there were no cars between us.
Maria: Let’s not waste another minute of our weekend on this. We’ll do better next time.
People who care more about winning an argument and being “right” than repairing their relationship, often end up divorced. People who accept that in relationships there is no objective “right” or “wrong,” can learn to maximize their “home team” advantage and stay happily married.
Let me know how I can help.
Jamie C. Williamson, PhD is a FL Supreme Court Certified Family Mediator and Couples Counselor who is part of the Gottman Referral Network. She is an owner and partner at Amity Mediation Workshop, a mediation practice specializing in “friendly divorce” mediation and psycho-educational counseling for couples. Dr. Jamie speaks frequently on relationship topics and authors the blog “Work it Out.” You can find her online at amitymediationworkshop.com.
