By Jamie C. Williamson, PhD
When people lie to one another, the trust between them can erode. But, before you overreact and leave an otherwise good relationship, consider the reason the person lied to you. And, before you lie to someone else, be sure to consider your own motives, as well.
People lie for a variety of reasons that can be grouped into four general categories:
- Benefit or Protect Others
Altruistic lies are part of our everyday interactions. We learn early in life that failure to tell these pro-social lies is considered impolite, unnecessarily hurtful, or disloyal. We tell children that Santa Claus is real. We complement our host, even if we didn’t care for the meal. We praise a child’s painting even though we can’t really identify the subject. We equivocate when asked, Does this shirt make me look fat?
And although we may not substitute a lie for the truth, most of us willingly withhold information that might embarrass a friend, colleague, and especially our spouse. There are secrets we keep and stories we just don’t tell to help those we care about save face.
- Self-Enhancement
People strive to present their best self and manage the impression others have of them. Most of the time, these Self-Enhancement strategies go unnoticed or, if found out, are easily forgiven because they are so commonly used by us all.
We talk about our successes but omit or minimize our failures. We blame the traffic for making us late, rather than say we overslept. And we pretend to know more than we do about the topic of conversation.
When taken to the extreme of constant boasting or routinely fabricating excuses to your spouse, these relatively harmless attempts to make yourself look good can backfire.
- Self-Protection
When people make mistakes, they can be motivated to protect themselves from retaliation and to avoid embarrassment, shame, judgement, or punishment. Self-protective lies involve selfishness and often end up hurting others. They can engender anger, create conflict, and reflect poorly on the deceiver’s character.
Self-protective lies often have damaging consequences for marriage or similar relationships because a serious breach of trust in a long-term committed relationship is a hurtful, negative violation of expectations.
Still, the importance of the issue makes a difference. Saying you had a salad for lunch, when you really had a cheeseburger, is much different than saying you were working late, when you really went to a bar with a mixed-gender set of co-workers. Both will affect your partner’s perception of you, but the self-protective lie that has the potential to also hurt others will be judged more harshly.
- Harming Others
Lies focused on Harming Others include lying to hurt someone’s reputation, to obstruct a colleague’s ability to succeed, or to interfere with a rival’s desire to start and maintain a relationship. These lies are considered anti-social and unethical.
The most egregious and harshly judged lies, however, are those told by people who deliberately hurt others by deflecting attention from themselves or shifting blame from themselves to another, innocent person.
These lies rarely emerge in happy, long-term relationships. However, during relational distress, couples often exaggerate (or falsely accuse) each other of wrongdoing to gain the loyalty of their family and mutual friends. And, worse yet, divorcing parents may lie about each other to gain the loyalty of their children.
Botton Line: Motives Matter. Before you lie to anyone about anything, ask yourself:
- Do you have your partner’s best interests at heart? Are you trying to help someone save face? Or trying to make yourself look good?
- What are the possible repercussions of your lie? How will it affect your partner’s feelings? Your relationship? Your own credibility? The well-being of the subject of your lie?
- Could there be unintended consequences of your lie? If you lie to gain the loyalty of your children, you may hurt your former spouse, but you also deny your children a loving relationship with their other parent.
- How will the lie change you? If you tell a pro-social lie, you’ll probably feel good about yourself and others will, too. But, if you deceive someone you love about something important and you have to keep telling more lies to cover up the first one, you may become unrecognizable, even to yourself.
If a lie has already damaged your relationship, be sure to separate small transgressions from big ones. Most couples can keep small transgressions in perspective. The big transgressions require more sincere regret, genuine forgiveness, and a deliberate effort to “work it out”.
Let me know if I can help.
Jamie C. Williamson, PhD is a FL Supreme Court Certified Family Mediator and member of the Gottman Referral Network. She is an owner and partner at Amity Mediation Workshop, a mediation practice specializing in “friendly divorce” mediation and psycho-educational counseling for couples. Dr. Jamie speaks frequently on relationship topics and authors the blog “Work it Out”. You can find her online at amitymediationworkshop.com.
