By Jamie C. Williamson, PhD
Happy couples know a love hack that you can learn: They notice each other’s good intentions and give credit where credit is due.
This simple love hack increases happiness and produces higher levels of relationship wellbeing.
Interestingly, the impact of your partner’s good deeds depends largely on why you think they tried to do something good for you. We call this an “attribution” of cause.
And, what you see as the cause of their kindness depends mostly on what you look for.
The good news is that you can train yourself to pause, look for the good in your partner, and appreciate their contribution to your relationship wellbeing.
How Giving Due Credit Works
Let’s say your partner made the bed while you were in the shower. There are four basic casual attributions you could make for this small kindness, and they result from Internal vs External causes and from Stable versus Temporary causes.
My Partner made the bed for me because:
- …he is kind and routinely finds ways to make my life easier (Internal, Stable attribution)
- …he is feeling guilty about coming home late last night (Internal, Temporary attribution)
- …his sister always tells him he should help more with housework (External, Stable attribution)
- …his first appointment was a Zoom from home, so he just had extra time. (External, Temporary attribution)
People in healthy, satisfying relationships routinely make Internal, Stable attributions (#1 – an admirable character trait) for their partner’s positive acts. These attributions increase happiness about the behavior and promote the relationship’s well-being over time.
People in distressed relationships often make External, Temporary attributions (#4 – a self-serving opportunity) for their partner’s kindness. These attributions diminish happiness about the behavior and erode relationship satisfaction over time.
Pause, Think, and Stay Happy
Let’s consider a grand gesture: Peter got a work promotion to a larger, new sales territory. He planned a meet-and-greet trip to Orlando during his first week in the new job, which happened to include his wife Lauren’s July birthday. With his boss’s permission, he invited Lauren to join him for his stay in Orlando at a luxury hotel, as a surprise birthday gift. He told Lauren that, although he would be working several hours each day, they could sleep late, have every evening meal together, and Lauren could enjoy well-deserved R&R as a special birthday treat. He knew that Lauren, a middle school teacher, had the summer off.
Fortunately, Lauren, who looks forward to celebrating her birthday with family and friends every year, paused to consider alternative reasons why Peter combined a work trip with her birthday celebration.
- …he is a hard-working man who is motivated to make her happy (an Internal, Stable Attribution)
- …he planned the trip before he realized it interfered with her birthday, so he just did the best he could to make up for it. (an Internal, Temporary Attribution)
- …his clever assistant suggested it was the way to keep both his boss and his wife happy. (an External, Stable Attribution)
- …his boss gave permission, so he could pay for her birthday trip with his expense money. (an External, Temporary Attribution)
If Lauren believes that Peter combined his work trip with her birthday gift to save money and reacts through that lens, she will be unhappy with his effort, and they will experience relationship distress. Lauren won’t hear Peter’s alternative explanations because, in her view, the gift is a convenience to him, not a gift to her at all.
If Lauren believes that Peter combined his work trip with her birthday gift with good intentions, inspired by his work ethic and his dedication to her, she will be happy with his effort to please her, and their relationship will be enhanced. Lauren won’t see an alternative explanation because she only sees a good deed and gives Peter credit for it.
The Love Hack Learned
Notice when your partner does something good for you and remember that what you see depends on what you look for.
If you look for Internal, Stable causes for your partner’s good deeds, then you will easily see your partner’s admirable character and positive intentions. This will enhance your positive regard for your partner and improve your relationship quality over time.
If you look for External, Temporary causes for your partner’s good deeds, you will see self-serving motives and make critical interpretations. This will have a negative impact on your happiness and degrade your relationship over time.
I recommend you pause and try this simple, positive Love Hack instead.
Let me know if I can help.
Jamie C. Williamson, PhD is a FL Supreme Court Certified Family Mediator and Member of the Gottman Referral Network, with a Certificate in the Science of Wellbeing and Happiness from the Harvard School of Medicine. She is an owner and partner at Amity Mediation Workshop, a mediation practice specializing in “friendly divorce” mediation and psycho-educational couples counseling. Dr. Jamie speaks frequently on relationship topics and authors the blog “Work it Out”. You can find her online at amitymediationworkshop.com.
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