By Jamie C. Williamson, PhD
A happy marriage is not simply the absence of fighting or the lack of big problems.
A happy marriage includes the presence of positive emotional experiences and a prevailing sense of hope regarding the capacity to address challenges that may impact marital well-being and satisfaction.
Sadly, many couples feel stuck in their marriage, even if they are not entirely unhappy or completely dissatisfied. In this “stagnating stage” couples rarely argue, and nothing is overtly wrong in their life, but they drift along in a state of indifference toward each other.
For stagnating couples, expressions of intimacy diminish to routine, predictable conversations and sexual passion fades to tolerance or apathy. And, though their commitment may be strong, it is powered by a sense of obligation rather than by devotion and dedication.
This type of commitment is called “Empty Love”.
The Cost of Doing Nothing
Couples can languish in this stagnating stage for years. Some believe that by doing nothing, they are avoiding conflict. Others do nothing to escape the distress associated with divorce, which they anticipate will be stronger than the discomfort of living in a lifeless marriage.
These avoidant people are unaware of the substantial, accumulating cost of doing nothing to remedy their situation.
Over time, they become increasingly pessimistic and start believing that there is nothing they can do to improve their marital life. Accepting this, they simply adapt to their empty relationship and learn to live with it. Unwittingly, they also expose themselves to chronic loneliness, loss of self-esteem, and a diminished hope for change.
That is, unless they take early, deliberate action to change – to either improve their relationship or initiate divorce – couples stuck in an extended state of stagnation ultimately sacrifice their long-term happiness and well-being… just so they can avoid difficult conversations.
Trust me, the cost of doing nothing is too high.
The Value of Hope
Some couples allow themselves to temporarily linger in the state of stagnation because they have hope that, if they can just hold on until the time is right, they can revive their happy marriage.
Maybe they need to be supportive of a spouse faced with unusual work demands or graduate school, or to move beyond external stressors like a child’s illness or obligations associated with their parents’ end-of-life issues, or even to forgive each other for major mistakes.
Whatever stirred up discontent and temporarily overshadowed their intimate connection, these couples rely on their belief in their marriage to maintain hope for the future.
Unlike couples in extended stagnation, these hopeful couples believe their challenges are temporary and that they can change the situation or, at least, mitigate the impact it has on their individual and marital happiness.
Hope Wins Every Time
Hopeful couples resist simple wishful thinking. Instead, truly hopeful couples have an active, goal-oriented mindset that involves envisioning a better future and believing in their ability to navigate challenges and achieve their goals.
This kind of hope is a self-fulfilling prophecy and a critical component of relationship wellbeing because it encourages perseverance and effort, which in turn increases the chances of success.
It works like this: Hopeful couples share the belief that their unpleasant circumstances are temporary and that they can work together to eventually produce a positive outcome. Because of their hope for the future, they make plans and take actions that make that outcome more likely.
Learn to Be Hopeful
Hope is a purpose-driven mindset and an action-oriented skill that can be learned. To cultivate hope, partners should:
- Focus on Possibilities: Envision a different and better future, even during challenging circumstances.
- Set clear goals: Commit to specific, achievable goals that provide direction.
- Identify pathways: Find multiple ways to reach your goal, so that if your first effort fails, you can easily adapt and pivot to another path.
- Cultivate agency: Adopt and encourage a “We got this” mentality – a belief that together you can make good choices and bring about positive change.
- Connect to action: Keep your hope stays as high as your aspirations. Stay fully engaged and resilient through setbacks.
Hope can provide couples comfort in challenging times and motivation to stay together while navigating problems and pursuing shared goals. To avoid the devasting cost of doing nothing, invest your time and energy in the value of hope.
Let me know how I can help.
Jamie C. Williamson, PhD is a FL Supreme Court Certified Family Mediator and Member of the Gottman Referral Network, with a Certificate in the Science of Wellbeing and Happiness from the Harvard School of Medicine. She is an owner and partner at Amity Mediation Workshop, a mediation practice specializing in “friendly divorce” mediation and psycho-educational couples counseling. Dr. Jamie speaks frequently on relationship topics and authors the blog “Work it Out”. You can find her online at amitymediationworkshop.com.
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