By Jamie C. Williamson, PhD
Happily married couples have Emotional Intelligence.
After years of research on predicting and preventing divorce, John Gottman concluded that “Happily married couples aren’t smarter, richer, or more psychologically astute than others. But in their day-to-day lives, they have hit upon a dynamic that keeps their negative thoughts and feelings about each other (which all couples have) from overwhelming their positive ones”.
Gottman called this an “emotionally intelligent marriage.” He emphasized that Emotionally Intelligent couples are better able “to understand, honor, and respect each other and their marriage”, which, not surprisingly, leads to marital satisfaction.
What Makes an Emotionally Intelligent Marriage Work?
An Emotionally Intelligent Marriage involves mastering the same five competencies Daniel Goleman identified as key to individual success: self-awareness, self-regulation, motivation, empathy, and social skills.
Specifically, partners equipped with high Emotional Intelligence (EQ) are better at recognizing and managing their own emotions, understanding their spouse’s emotions, and using this understanding to communicate, empathize, and resolve conflict. This ultimately fosters deeper intimacy, mutual trust, and long-term happiness
But, as they say, it takes two to tango.
An Emotionally Intelligent Marriage requires both partners to be equipped with high EQ. Their combined high levels of self-awareness, empathy, social skills, and emotional regulation allow partners to navigate challenges, express needs effectively, and create a supportive environment for individual achievement and relationship growth.
Recognizing Low Marriage EQ
Most couples start out living a happy life that resembles an Emotionally Intelligent Marriage. But, for couples with low EQ, this positivity erodes over time because they lack the competencies to manage the inevitable irritations, conflicts, and challenges of married life.
Partners with underdeveloped Emotional Intelligence are not adept at recognizing and managing their own emotions. And they lack understanding of their partner’s emotions and reactions to events. As a result, they struggle to explain their own emotions, dismiss or minimize each other’s perspectives, don’t communicate empathy, and don’t really know how to effectively manage conflict. As misunderstandings build up, resentment grows into a state of negativity that interferes with their ability to sustain a mutually supportive relationship. So, they become emotionally disconnected.
During tense moments, they either withdraw or escalate arguments through harsh criticism and defensiveness, making conflicts seem more like fights than conversations. They start attributing mistakes to each other’s character and lose confidence in each other’s support. So, trust also erodes. Eventually, they lose respect for each other and their marriage.
The negative spiral caused by low marital EQ is not necessarily the beginning of the end of a marriage. But it is a clear sign that the couple needs to enhance their emotional intelligence competencies. In fact, without improving EQ, there is little hope for these couples to regain their once happy marriage.
Emotional Intelligence Can Be Learned
The good news for people in a low EQ marriage is that, unlike IQ, which is relatively stable over a lifetime, Emotional Intelligence can be learned and improved through intentional effort and practice. To improve marital EQ, both partners must commit to actively working together on the five key competencies of Emotional Intelligence.
- Self-Awareness: Utilize self-reflection to understand your own emotions, their triggers, and how they impact your thoughts and behaviors toward one another.
- Self-Regulation: Seek and accept feedback from each other to help you express your emotions appropriately and effectively, control your arousal, and adapt to challenging situations, particularly during conflict.
- Empathy: Learn to actively listen so you can understand each other’s perspectives and share each other’s feelings. Express empathetic understanding to foster compassion and deeper intimacy. Let your empathy inspire true apologies and make forgiveness easier.
- Social Skills: Practice open communication by being honest about your thoughts, needs, and feelings. Handle conflict constructively by focusing on managing the issue rather than attacking or criticizing your partner. Show gratitude by expressing appreciation for the positive things your partner does. Engage with each other in ways that create predictability, dependability, and trust.
Motivation: Incorporate each other’s individual goals into your marital goals. Adopt an optimistic view and remain resilient in your mutual support of your marriage and each other’s goals, despite challenges and setbacks. This will help you create a compelling sense of shared meaning for your marriage.
If your marital EQ is underdeveloped, invite your partner to work with you on the five key competencies of Marital Emotional Intelligence. Whether your marital EQ needs a little or a lot of improvement, start now, before the negative spiral takes you past the point of no return.
Let me know how I can help.
Jamie C. Williamson, PhD is a FL Supreme Court Certified Family Mediator and Member of the Gottman Referral Network, with a Certificate in the Science of Wellbeing and Happiness from the Harvard School of Medicine. She is an owner and partner at Amity Mediation Workshop, a mediation practice specializing in “friendly divorce” mediation and psycho-educational couples counseling. Dr. Jamie speaks frequently on relationship topics and authors the blog “Work it Out.” You can find her online at amitymediationworkshop.com.
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