By Peter Fischetti
While the Olympics have come and gone, their impact continues to be felt in the Panhandle. No doubt the most popular sport at the Games was curling, which I found emotionally draining. Like a good novel that you just can’t put down, I could not wait to see what would happen next as the nervous leader of the four-person team yelled words such as “Hurry” and “Hurry hard” to teammates to sweep the stone towards the target.
My obsession with the sport has prompted me to join the newly-formed Curlers Anonymous, which meets weekly at Rock’it Lanes in Panama City Beach. At our first meeting, held on an unseasonably warm evening, people bundled up in heavy parkas and at least one fur coat sipped on hot chocolate. With the large crowd, service was slow, which led folks to yell “Hurry”and “Hurry hard.”
But the complaints were replaced with cheers when the Rock’it Lanes manager announced that the bowling lanes there are being converted into curling sheets with ice about an inch thick. And, he added, “That means there won’t be any more gutter language.”
When it was my turn to introduce myself at the meeting, I made the admission that I had bet on Ireland in their match with the United States, figuring the Irish were more likely to have curly hair. The Irish lost, as you probably know, and I was asked to leave the meeting.
Our politicians like to blame the shortage of goods at our stores on the COVID virus, workers quitting their jobs and a shortage of truck drivers. But you can blame the popularity of curling on at least one product. I mean, have you tried to buy a broom in the last few weeks? Oh, there are plenty of dustpans around, but as a manager of our local Walmart told me, “Because of curling, the broom revolution has been, er, sweeping the nation.” (Those were his words.)
Panama City Beach for many years was known for its Spring Break, so it’s interesting that curling actually dates to the 16th Century in Scotland, site of the original spring break. Yes, an invasion of college students from all over Europe descended on what was known as “the world’s second most beautiful beach” at Sandwood Bay after the release of the Bagpipers’ hit single, “Curls Just Want to Have Fun.”
I’m told that our city officials, always looking for a way to attract more tourists, are partnering with the local campus of Florida State University to offer a bachelor’s degree in Curling—although that may change since married men may want to enroll as well. The course is taught by the German curling star Hans Freezen, author of the bitter best-seller, “Curling: What It Means to Me and What It Better Mean to You If You Want to Stay Alive.”
Yesterday, while I sat on the beach, I noticed a dozen or so people surrounding a lifeguard stand, listening to a guy on top. He was yelling to the crowd, “You people, what are we most famous for? Yes, it’s the beaches! And what’s the world’s most exciting sport? Yes, it’s curling! So listen to me. I’ve invented a new sport that will make Panama City Beach the Curling Capital of the World. It’s called Water Curling!”
How is it played? Well, the leader standing on the shoreline throws a beach ball into the Gulf. Two teammates hop onto their kayaks and with their paddles they direct the ball towards the sandbar, where the other teammate is waiting to scoop it up. He throws it into a basket and scores a point called a “curl.” Then it’s the opposing team’s turn. After eight hours, whoever has the most curls wins, and gets to star in a local production of “Annie.”
Finally, some late-breaking news: Following a brainstorming session among elected officials, the city announced it would host a PGA tournament that is sure to attract the best golfers in the world. But what does golf have to do with curling?
One of the officials explained. “We play at that Nicklaus course in Bay Point. The catch is, you can’t use a wood club on any shot.” No wonder they’re calling it the Curling Iron Tournament.
Peter Fischetti is a retired journalist from Southern California, which he hopes you won’t hold against him. He lives in Panama City Beach.
