By Jamie C. Williamson, PhD
Couples tend to have more heated conflict when it’s hot outside.
Hot temperatures interfere with mindful, sensible thinking because when we are overheated, our bodies automatically spend energy to cool down. Much of that energy comes from the prefrontal cortex, which is the front part of our brain that helps us self-regulate. When this happens, we are less able to keep our aggressive impulses in check.
Couples impacted by work or parenting stress and those that are exhausted also have more heated conflict. Like being physically overheated, psychological stress and physical exhaustion create heightened physiological arousal that interferes with mindful, constructive responses and leads to the more automatic “fight or flight” response. During heated relationship conflict we default to either (a) an attack and defend response or (b) shutdown and withdraw response.
So, when it’s hot out (like it is now), or when you and/or your partner are stressed or exhausted, you are more likely to feel overwhelmed and have a difficult time expressing your own negative emotions constructively or dealing with your partner’s negative emotions rationally.
Rest assured these types of emotional and physiological responses during arguments are completely normal and predictable.
Thankfully, if you pay attention to your own body, you can learn to recognize the first signs of this negative arousal and take self-corrective action BEFORE you become overwhelmed and “flooded” with hard-to-control emotions.
How to Cool Down Conflicts and Stop Flooding
Learn to identify the early warning signs of being emotionally overwhelmed or “flooded.” The first signs that your negative arousal is too high will be unique to you but will likely include the common classic symptoms like: sweating, racing or pounding heartbeat, gritted teeth, shortness of breath, queasy stomach, or your mind is spinning.
The instant you sense the presence of one of your early warning signs, STOP the discussion and ask to take a break. All your flooding signals will interfere with your ability to mindfully process information or pay attention. Instead, you will respond reflexively and either lash out with harsh words or shut down. Either of these reactions will likely invite equally negative, matching responses from your partner. To prevent this negative spiral and its aftermath, you must notice your early signs of flooding, put a stop to the conversation, and take a break.
Take a break for at least 20 minutes. The purpose of the break is to give you an opportunity to calm down. During this time, do something that occupies your attention and is self-soothing. You might listen to music or a podcast, walk the dog, take a bath, read, meditate, or complete a mindless task. Whatever you choose to do, be sure to do it alone, and avoid thoughts of righteous indignation and innocent victimhood. Avoid playing out the rest of your conflict through “imaginary interaction” with your partner. Just chill.
Don’t start your break by storming out of the room and slamming the door or trying to get the last word in before you take a cool-down break. That will add fuel to an already heated argument.
Instead, respectfully communicate your need to calm down. Explain that you are feeling overwhelmed and need a break. Be sure to say where you are going and when you will be back.
Say something like: I’m starting to feel too upset to be rational about this and I am afraid I’ll say something that I will regret. So, I’m going to walk the dog around our usual path. When I get back, I’ll be ready to pick this up again.
If your partner is flooding, suggest that “we” take a break. You likely recognize your partner’s early warning signs of flooding. The minute you sense one of those signals, stop the discussion and say that that “we” need to take a break.
Avoid calling attention to your partner’s negative behavior. And avoid saying “I think you’re getting too emotional. You should take a break.”
Instead, say “Sweetheart, we’re getting more heated up than we should over this. Let’s take a break and come back to this in about an hour, then we can figure it all out.”
There are many ways for you and your partner to calm down and sooth each other. Find something meaningful, enriching, and enjoyable that really helps center you.
Of course, on an ideal, cool weather, low stress day, you would plan an enjoyable, calming activity together BEFORE you have a serious discussion.
But, in the heat of the summer, when life’s stressors get the best of one or both of you, the most that you can expect of yourselves is to stop the flooding before it gets out of hand.
Let me know if I can help.
Jamie C. Williamson, PhD is a FL Supreme Court Certified Family Mediator and Couples Counselor who is part of the Gottman Referral Network. She is an owner and partner at Amity Mediation Workshop, a mediation practice specializing in “friendly divorce” mediation and psycho-educational counseling for couples. Dr. Jamie speaks frequently on relationship topics and authors the blog “Work it Out.” You can find her online at amitymediationworkshop.com.
