By Jamie C. Williamson, PhD
The secret to long-lasting romance in marriage is surprisingly simple, inexpensive, and fool proof.
It isn’t a candlelit dinner on your anniversary. And, unless you learn this simple secret, it won’t be your long-anticipated romantic get-away, either.
Events designed to be romantic flop when you aren’t already lovingly connected to your partner. Instead of helping you reconnect, the contrived candlelit dinner becomes a struggle for conversation topics and that romantic get-away reveals that you don’t really know what you enjoy doing together anymore. The empty feeling and disappointment these realizations produce lead, at best, to awkward silences and, at worst, to frustration, angry accusations, and harsh criticism. Either way, they don’t enhance that loving feeling.
So, what’s the secret to long-lasting romance in marriage? You do small things often. You turn to each other in little ways, every day.
According to Dr. John Gottman, it’s that simple. In The Relationship Cure, Gottman explains that small, intentional moments of kindness and connection have a more positive impact on creating and sustaining marital romance than isolated, grand gestures.
These small loving actions also speak louder than words when it comes to making your partner feel loved. Showing compassion and displaying affection (e.g. snuggling) on a daily basis rank higher on the list of what makes people feel loved than typical romantic scenarios or grand verbal declarations of love.
So then, every day (yes every day) just try another small way of turning toward your spouse, instead of away. For example:
Pay attention and respond with interest. Notice when your partner subtly asks for your attention, affection, or support and give it. Look at the hummingbird and comment on it when she calls it to your attention. Take his side when he shares a work concern. Show that you are glad (really glad) to see your partner at the end of the day. Respond with curiosity when your partner talks about family, friends, and other interests. These mundane moments of connection truly matter.
Voluntarily (and routinely) take action to support and connect with your partner. Fold the laundry or take out the garbage when it’s not your turn. Run errands for each other. Make dinner together. Pay the bills together. Plan and host a dinner for friends together. Share each other’s burdens and you become more interdependent. Support each other’s contributions and you create a shared sense of purpose. These small, day-to-day gestures go a long way toward deepening your marital connection, helping your partner feel loved, and priming you for marital romance.
Look for small ways to send messages of love. Send an encouraging text message when you know your partner has a presentation, an important meeting, or a long day. Send heart emojis when you text the grocery list. Pack a love note in your partner’s suitcase, briefcase, or lunch box. These notes don’t have to be poetic, or long, or even include words at all. Put on lipstick, kiss a napkin, and tuck it in the bag. Draw a heart on a post-it-note and leave it on your partner’s windshield or stick it on the bathroom mirror. These small, from-the-heart gestures send consistently authentic messages of love, so they mean much more than a once-a year candlelit dinner or perfunctory bouquet of roses on special occasions.
How does this one simple action create more romance in your marriage? If you’re like most people, you are surprised that the single most essential action that grounds your marital stability and contributes to your on-going romance is the simple act of turning toward your spouse in many small, routine ways every day.
Turning toward each other works because these repeated small gestures solidify your marital connection and promote positive feelings that will sustain your marriage during stressful times and grow the loving feeling of togetherness you share.
Take this loving connection and your positive feelings out to a candlelit dinner or on vacation, and the romantic spark you’re hoping for will ignite. But chances are, if you adopt this one simple action – and turn towards your spouse in small ways every day – you won’t need expensive dinners or exotic vacations to stir up romance. You’ll have that at home every day.
Jamie C. Williamson, PHD is a FL Supreme Court Certified Family Mediator and Gottman Methods Couples Counselor. She is an owner and partner at Amity Mediation Workshop, LLC, a mediation practice specializing in “friendly divorce” mediation, family mediation, and marriage revitalization sessions for couples. Dr. Jamie speaks frequently on relationship topics and authors the blog “Work it Out.” You can find her online at amitymediationworkshop.com.
